Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Ace & Stuart 6

Ace & Stuart
Cookies from planet Milk
“Master Ace? Is that you?”
“Stuart, you have eyes, what do you think?”
“Sorry, Ace.”
“Stuart, I have a new job for you.”
“Really! Thanks so much Ace! I will treasure up this calling until--”
“Stuart! You don’t get to talk redundantly, remember?”
“Sorry, Ace. What’s my new job?”
“Navigator! Congratulations.”
“Well? Where are we?”
“Oh, that’s what navigator means.”
“Oh dear, Stuart. Now please, where are we?”
“I don’t even remember how we got here Ace!”
“Neither do I. Last I remember we were visiting my mother...”
“Me, too! That’s so strange.”
“There’s only one answer to this problem.”
“Just one, Ace?”
“Somebody has wiped our memory!”
“Our memory? But Master Master Ace, what will we do?”
“Don’t Call Me That! You know never to use my full name!”
“Sorry, Master, I guess I’m just a little worked up. I mean, we don’t know what happened to us!”
“Stop talking.”
“But don’t you see? It’s all so stran--”
“Quiet! Stuart, did you feel that?”
“Feel what?”
“The ground just moved.”
“Master Ace, will you hold my hand?”
“Of course not.”
“I’m scared.”
“Man up Stuart. I’m trying to observe.”
“Oh good. We’ll be out of here in no time. You have the best observation skills in--”
“Stuart, we aren’t on our home world.”
“What do you mean we--”
“Look at the ground. It’s grey!”
“Stuart! What have I told you about using real words?”
“Sorry Master Ace, it’s just...this is a different planet!”
“Stuart, do you see that face appearing in the clouds?”
“I’m going to try to communicate with it. I want you to stop talking.”
“Okay, Master Ace, good luck.”
“Hello face in the clouds! Who are you?”
“Don’t you remember me Ace?”
“No, not you!”
“Yes, me. Hahaha.”
“The magician from our Quest to Ingredient Three!”
“I told you I’d find you Ace. There will be no adventurers!”
“I might not have fully believed you...”
“Believe me now, Master Ace!”
“Okay. What do you want?”
“I’ve erased your memory of all events that occurred in the last month.”
“Why? What happened you would care so much for us to forget?”
“If I wanted you to know that, I wouldn’t have erased your memory.”
“Magician, so help me!”
“I’ve transported you here to this planet. I, of course, am not on it.”
“Then where are you?”
“Ah Master Ace, you should not be worrying about me.”
“And why’s that?”
“I suppose because you should be worrying about the natives that are standing right behind you.”
“Natives? We’re on a foreign planet!”
“And those are the foreigners. Ta-ta Master Ace.”
“Ta-ta. I mean, wait. Stuart, what’s he talking about?”
“Well Master Ace, I think he aims to kill us.”
“Or does he? And my fine stooge, what was he talking about. Something about natives?”
“Oh. He’s probably referring to the aliens right behind us.”
“Aliens? What are you talking about?”
“Well Master Ace, they look like cookies. But I doubt they’re edible.”
“Cookies? Stuart, if you don’t start making sense, I’m going to--”
“Please don’t! I was just talking about the space cookies behind us.”
“Gak! Space Cookies! Stuart, why didn’t you just say there were angry cookies behind us.”
“Because that sounded stupid, Sir.”
“Nevermind, we’ll argue this later.”
“Fine with me. What are we doing right now?”
“Running! This is not how I die!”
“And how do you die, Master Ace?”
“Ugh. Probably of stupid questions posed by my blasted stooge.”
“You have another stooge?”
“Stuart, I was talking about you.”
“Oh. Oh!”
“Keep running Stuart, the cookie people are gaining on us.”
“We can’t just run forever!”
“Right. First, kill the cookies, then we find the magician, thus getting our memories back.”
“Okay Master Ace. How do we do either of those things?”
“One thing at a time, Stuart. Knock it off.”
“Sorry. One thing at a time. How do we kill the cookies?”
“Don’t pester me Stuart, just keep running.”
“Do you have a plan?”
“Yes. And it’s fool-guaranteed.”
“We’re saved! And don’t you mean fool proof?”
“No, because the plan requires a fool.”
“Are you just assuming one of the cookies is a fool?”
“No Stuart, I don’t know if any of the cookies are fools.”
“Then where are we going to find a fool to help your plan?”
“I’m talking to one right now.”
“That doesn’t make sense, though, Master Ace, because you’re talking to me.”
“Bing Bing Bing Bing!”
“Ouch. That hurt Master Ace.”
“Stuart, you don’t get to feel offended.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re a stooge.”
“Oh. I guess I missed that in the Job Description.”
“What are you talking about?”
“When I took this job I read the Job Description for it a hundred times.”
“So what Stuart, I couldn’t care less about your reading habits.”
“I read it so many times. How did I miss that part about offense?”
“We don’t have time for this! And by the way, it was under the Terms and Conditions.”
“That explains it.”
“Now, to deal with these cookies.”
“Via the fool. What’s the plan?”
“Do you have a gun in your pocket?”
“Never! That could hurt someone!”
“Great! Then how are we going to kill these?”
“I have milk.”
“You have a cup of milk in your pocket?”
“A cup? I don’t have a cup of milk.”
“What? Stuart, you just said that you had milk in your pocket.”
“Yeah, a gallon of it.”
“You have a gallon of milk in your pocket?”
“Technically two.”
“And how is milk going to help us defeat a cookie army?”
“I don’t know. We could eat them, or crumble them in milk.”
“I have a better idea. Lets eat them.”
“I just said--”
“Quiet Stuart, when I say a good idea, don’t talk for a moment. It gives my idea better effect.”
“Terms and Conditions again? Sorry, Sir. Here’s the milk.”
“Thanks. I hope you’re hungry.”
“Actually, I’m not really.”
“Stuart, it’s an order. You’re hungry now.”
“Well when you’re hungry, you’re hungry, right?”
“Affirmative, stop running. About face. Attack!”
“Attacking, Sir!”
“Great, this one is snickerdoodle!”
“Mmm, and this is chocolate chip!”
“Stuart, that’s not chocolate chip.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nevermind. Let’s just get off this stupid planet.”
“Okay. Lead the way boss.”
“Give me a space rover.”
“I don’t have a space rover!”
“What do you have? I’m not walking anymore Stuart.”
“Here’s a golf cart...”
“I’ll drive. Jump in! Stuart, you are navigator again.”
“That means I’m in charge of the music, right?”
“Stuart, how many times do I have to tell you what navigator means?”
“I don’t know, Ace. I’m not very good at these guessing games.”
“No, it’s not. Nevermind. Just give me directions.”
“I can do that! Where do you want directions to?”
“Some way off this rock.”

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