Author's Note: Due to a lack on my part--failing to release something Saturday--I must hereby relinquish my pet cash register into the hands of the Blogging Empire. Today I bring another chapter, and tears of sadness for the loss of my pet.
Please donate lots of money to me to aid me search and rescue of Jerry the Cash Register.
--Jim Blow
Adventure Three by Jim Blow
“Hurry along, Stuart! We need to reach the Thaumaturge before sundown!”
“The what?”
“Thaumaturge. It means magician. Now hurry up!”
“Oh. You could’ve just said magician.”
“Stuart! I will fire you if I have to!”
“Sorry, Master Ace!”
“You better be. We’re here now. You wait out here, and I’m going to go in and talk to the magician.”
“You want me to wait out here alone?”
“Yes. Is that a problem?”
“In the dark?”
“Oh please, Stuart! There’s nothing out here.”
“Really? Oh, then I can wait.”
“Except for coyotes.”
“Oh dear! Master Ace! Don’t leave me out here! Master Ace! Come back!”
“You’ll be fine Stuart. I’m going to talk to the magician. Bye. Ah! Hello! Are you the magician?”
“Yes, I’m the magician. You must be Master Ace.”
“That’s me. I need your help.”
“You seek the Egg?”
“How did you know that? Right. Nevermind. This is true. Where can I find it?”
“In the mountain you must seek, to find the egg protected by no--”
“Can you do it without the riddles?”
“Huh? Oh, sorry about that. The Egg is on top of the mountain.”
“Right. Thanks. Bye!”
“So long! When you have your Egg, stop on by! I do love having visitors.”
“Will do. So long magician. Stuart! Where’d you go?”
“I’m down here Master Ace!”
“What on earth are you doing under the door mat?”
“Coyotes.”
“Stuart, there are no coyotes. I made that up.”
“He, he. I knew that.”
“Sure you did. Lets get moving.”
“Where to?”
“On top of that mountain. There is a very special Egg up there. It’s protected by a fierce eagle.”
“Why must it be a ‘fierce eagle’? Why can’t it just be an eagle?”
“Man up Stuart! Now move!”
“Right away Master Ace!”
“It’s very convenient the mountain is so close. Hand me something we can use to scale this peak.”
“We’re there already? I’ll find something of use.”
“Hurry it along. I thirst for adventure.”
“Really? I thought adventure was something you could go on, not drink.”
“Stuart, adventure is something you go on.”
“You said that you wanted a drink of it though!”
“It was a metaphor.”
“You’re really confusing Master Ace!”
“What is it now?”
“You said that drinking adventure was a metaphor.”
“No I didn’t. But what’s your point?”
“A metaphor is something power rangers do!”
“No, no! Stooge, the power rangers do metamorphosis.”
“Isn’t metamorphosis for butterflies?”
“What? Darn it Stuart! Now I’m confused. Lets just drop the topic. My head hurts.”
“Would you like a band-aid?”
“Why would I want a band-aid?”
“You said you had a headache.”
“Yes, my head hurts from your rambling on without end!”
“Band-aids make everything feel better!”
“That’s a lie your mother taught you.”
“Oh dear.”
“Nevermind. Did you find something of use in your pockets?”
“Yupp!”
“What do you have for me?”
“Wings!”
“What!? Those are paper mache! Those won’t be of any use to us.”
“Oops. That guy really pulled one over on me!”
“What guy? You mean you were actually dumb enough to pay for those?”
“Well when you put it that way it does sound dumb.”
“Anyway you put it, it’s going to sound dumb.”
“Hmmm. Master Ace?”
“What is it stooge? Do you have something more useful?”
“Hey! I think I do!”
“Great! What do you have?”
“A helicopter!”
“Stuart, that’s brilliant! I’m just a little concerned with your having an entire helicopter in your pocket.”
“What? I don’t have a helicopter in my pocket!”
“Then why did you say we could use a helicopter!”
“I just meant we could use the helicopter over there! I’ll go talk to the men inside and see if we can borrow it.”
“Great. You go get the helicopter, and I’ll read up on how to fly a helicopter. It shouldn’t be too difficult.”
“That’s a good idea!”
“Of course it is! How many times do I have to tell you! It was my idea, which makes it automatically a good one.”
“Here’s a manual on helicopter flying. It was in my back pocket.”
“Fantastic. Go get that helicopter!”
“Right away Master Ace! Hey you guy in that helicopter!”
“Are you talking to me?”
“I think so.”
“Oh. My name is Albert. I’m a pilot.”
“Hello, my name is Stuart the Stooge. Can I shake your hand?”
“Ummm. Sure?”
“Thank you so much Albert!”
“You’re welcome?”
“Can I borrow your helicopter?”
“I don’t see why not.”
“Great! Thanks Albert. Hey Master Ace! Come over here! I got the helicopter.”
“Good work stooge. Lets go! By the way, did you try the new introduction?”
“Yeah.”
“How’d it go?”
“I think it confused him...”
“Strange. I’ll keep thinking of other ways you can introduce yourself.”
“Can I introduce myself as Stuart the Adventurer?”
“No. You can’t do that because I’m the adventurer, and you’re my stooge.”
“Well that puts a damper on my intro search.”
“Nevermind you. Lets grab that Egg!”
“That’s a speckled Egg!”
“Yes it is. Now give me something to grab it with.”
“I forgot my toy crane! I have this sticky hand, though!”
“A sticky hand? I guess I can make that do...Hand it over Stuart.”
“Here you go.”
“I’m going to throw it right at the egg. Ready? Here goes nothing.”
“Hey! That was a good shot! It stuck to the Egg!”
“I’m pulling it back now. Get ready to catch it!”
“I got it Master Ace! I’ll put it in my pocket.”
“Good job. Give me the ingredient inventory list.”
“Master Ace, we have flour, milk, and an Egg.”
“I think that’s all that is needed to make cake. I don’t actually know. I’ve never made it before.”
“Great. So now we need to mix it together and cook it!”
“Yes we do! I want you to return this helicopter, and I’m going to go talk to the magician.”
“Okay, bye Master Ace!”
“So long. Magician! Magician are you home?”
“I’m right here! You were fast.”
“I make it a point to do things quickly.”
“I see.”
“Why did you want me to come back here after we got the Egg?”
“I have something for you.”
“Really? A gift? That’s really thoughtful of you magician! I accept.”
“No, no. It isn’t thoughtful. It’s your demise!”
“What’s that light between your hands?”
“Well Master Ace, this happens to be a ball of fire!”
“You’re insane!”
“Not insane. I just want unworthy adventurers like yourself out of this world!”
“Not on my watch you aren’t!”
“But you aren’t wearing a watch.”
“Shoot. That fell through. Hey! What’s that over there?”
“What? Where? I don’t see anything! Hey, where’d you go? I will get you for this!”
“Stuart! We need to get out of here!”
“Okay. I have a four wheeler for both of us.”
“Holy cow! Nevermind. Lets go!”
“Why are we going so fast?”
“The magician wants to kill us. Keep going!”
“That’s not very nice.”
“You’re right, it isn’t. You have the Egg, right?”
“Of course I do!”
“Very good. We need to hurry to--”
“Gak!”
“Stuart! You know you aren’t supposed to interrupt me. And besides, I told you not to say that anymore. It’s my word!”
“I’m terribly sorry. It’s just that we’re being followed by an eagle.”
“Blast! It must know that we took its Egg.”
“What are we going to do?”
“I have an idea!”
“Great! what is it?”
“Drive up into that rock! There’s a cave just above it!”
“The rock that is butyraceous?”
“What? Are you making up words now?”
“I’m asking if you mean the rock that resembles butter!”
“Are you kidding me Stuart! That rock looks nothing like butter!”
“Hey, I think you’re onto something!”
“Forget the rock! Just get in that cave!”
“Master Ace, that rock is pretty deceiving.”
“Nevermind the rock Stuart!”
“Right. Sorry.”
“I’m in the cave, come to me!”
“Whew! That was too close!”
“The eagle can’t fit inside the cave. We just need to wait here until it leaves.”
“Okay.”
“Stuart, just because this situation is mildly terrifying, is no excuse to hold my hand.”
“Master Ace,”
“Stooge! Don’t argue with me. Just let go.”
“But Master Ace I’m not holding your hand!”
“Then who is?”
“I don’t know! I’ll light a match to see.”
“Gak! Spiders!”
“I don’t like spiders!”
“Run Stuart!”
“I’m running!”
“The spiders and the eagle are chasing us! Where should we go?”
“Master Ace! The eagle is eating the spiders!”
“Stuart, once it finishes with the spiders, we’ll be its next target!”
“Oh. That’s not good.”
“I should say not! Now move!”
“Are we safe Master Ace?”
“I don’t know. I can’t see the spiders or the eagle.”
“Gee Master Ace, I’m scared.”
“Come now Stuart, you’re acting like a pansy!”
“You think I’m acting like a flower?”
“What do you mean? I said--”
“I’m afraid I must object. I don’t particularly like--”
“Stuart! Look out!”
“Gak!”
“Darn it Stuart! What did I tell you? That’s my word!”
“Sorry.”
“The spiders somehow got to us, we need to run.”
“Oh dear!”
“What is it stooge? What do you see?”
“The eagle was killed by the spiders!”
“Gak! We’ll have to find another way out. Make sure the spiders don’t hit you with their stingers.”
“I’ll try.”
“Blast! I don’t see another way out.”
“We’re surrounded. And we’re gonna die!”
“Die? It’s not in my dictionary!”
“Really? What dictionary do you use?”
“The regular one.”
“Then how is the word die not in it?”
“Interesting story. Would you like to hear it now?”
“Okay. Spiders! Master Ace is going to tell a story! Sit down and pay attention!”
“Thank you Stuart. Now it all started when a fly flew up my nose.”
“Does the fly know that isn’t sanitary?”
“It’s a fly.”
“Right.”
“Anyway, this alarmed me, so I jumped up and spilt my drink on the dictionary.”
“It should dry fine.”
“It would have if the fly hadn’t come out my nose just then.”
“Thank goodness! I was worried.”
“The fly landed on the wet dictionary page, Stuart.”
“Did you kill it?”
“No, but I killed the venus fly trap on my desk that ate the fly and page whole!”
“You killed a venus fly trap?”
“With my bear hands and a screwdriver!”
“Master Ace?”
“What is it?”
“Will you autograph this rock?”
“Sure. There you are Stuart. I even drew a little picture of me.”
“Your self portrait isn’t accurate.”
“What are you talking about? I got that right on!”
“But your muscles aren’t actually that big.”
“We’ll have to talk about this another time. In the mean time, I assure you that’s exact.”
“If you say so, master Ace.”
“Well I say so!”
“Okay.”
“Now why aren’t the spiders advancing any more?”
“It seems they want you to tell another story, Master Ace.”
“Not too surprising, seeing how great my stories are.”
“Go on, Master Ace.”
“Lets see. Okay, how about a joke!”
“I suppose that will do.”
“It will. What happens to a rock that is thrown into the Red Sea?”
“Does it turn red?”
“Stuart, it gets wet.”
“Oh dear!”
“What? I thought it was pretty funny.”
“The spiders didn’t like it! They’re advancing again!”
“Gak! I was so happy with that joke, too.”
“Quick Master Ace! Tell another joke!”
“I will if I must.”
“And make it a good one!”
“Stooge! All my jokes are good. The problem here lies with the audience.”
“That would make sense.”
“It makes perfect sense!”
“Just tell the joke, please.”
“I will. What do you call a Knight who is also a Doctor?”
“Gee, you have me stumped.”
“Sir John!”
“I don’t get it.”
“Don’t be daft, Stuart. It’s a play on words. Sir John and Surgeon.”
“Sorry, but I still don’t understand.”
“My jokes are wasted on your ears.”
“Are you insulting my ears?”
“Yes, yes I do believe I am. Is there a problem?”
“No. I just thought I’d make sure.”
“Very well.”
“Look, Master Ace! The spiders stopped again.”
“All except that particularly hairy fellow.”
“That spider looks disgusting.”
“Agreed. You go hide. I’ll talk with this spider.”
“Good evening. I’m a spider of the high council. Who might you be?”
“I am Master Ace, not of the high council.”
“I see.”
“I understand you see. You have eight eyes for crying out loud!”
“Haha. That’s a good one! Might I compliment you?”
“Go right ahead.”
“You are very funny.”
“Thanks spider. I like to think I am.”
“Now, down to business.”
“Great. I was never one for goofing off anyway.”
“Right. Now I’ve made an executive order.”
“You can do that? I’ve always wanted to make some sort of executive something.”
“It’s quite fun, you’ll have to try it some time.”
“I guess I will, won’t I? Now what’s this business you speak so highly of.”
“On behalf of the spiders, I’d like to extend a job to you.”
“Yeah? Well I’m honored. What’s the job?”
“We need a new jester.”
“Wait, what? First question: Spiders have jesters? I thought that was in olden King days.”
“People stopped using them, but spiders are still strong believers.”
“Interesting. Second question: I’m an adventurer, why in the world would I want to be a jester.”
“We’ll kill you if you don’t.”
“Rough. You spiders drive a hard bargain.”
“There will be no bartering, we merely are telling you take the job or die.”
“It’s a human expression. Still, death may be better than humiliation.”
“Suit yourself. I’m gonna go gather an army. See ya!”
“Bye council spider! Stuart! Come hither. We ride!”
“How’d it go with the spiders? Ooh, not well, huh? Right.”
“Stuart, ignore the spiders, lets go.”
“You said ‘lets ride’ earlier!”
“Figurative speech. Now run!”
“Where are we going, Master Ace?”
“Do you see the river down there?”
“I suppose I do, why?”
“Spiders can’t swim! We’re going to swim across and lose them!”
“Master Ace, now might be a good time to bring--”
“You talk too much, Stuart! Now swim.”
“That’s just what I was trying to tell you, Sir!”
“What? Oh dear. You don’t mean--”
“Afraid I do, Master Ace.”
“Stuart! You can’t swim?!”
“No. Sorry.”
“This is a terrible inconvenience to my plans.”
“Maybe we can construct a raft really fast!”
“Stuart, we don’t have the time. You ever heard the secret to surviving a bear attack?”
“I don’t believe I have.”
“Well I don’t have to outrun the spiders, I just have to outrun you!”
“That’s not fair! Don’t swim away! Come back here, Master Ace!”
“Nevermind. I’m on the other side now. I want you to just jump in. I’ll try to save you.”
“Really? But I’m just a stooge!”
“But you’re my stooge.”
“That’s so sweet Master Ace!”
“Pretend I insulted you instead. Now jump in the water.”
“Here goes nothing. So long spiders!”
“Gottcha! That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“I’m really cold.”
“Umm, Stuart?”
“What is it?”
“You may want to pry that starfish off your face.”
“Ahh! Help Master Ace!”
“What is it lad?”
“There’s a starfish on my face!”
“That’s what I just told you!”
“I can’t get it off.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“Really? I think it--”
“The spiders turned and left! We’ve survived!”
“Hooray! Now can you please--”
“This is cause for celebration!”
“Having a starfish sucked to my face is cause for celebrating?”
“No, getting away with the ingredients is cause for celebration.”
“Joy! What now, Master Ace?”
“Lets go to dinner. You’re buying.”
“Oh goody!”
“The Middle of Nowhere cafe. I love this place!”
“I have never been here.”
“That’s okay! You keep working at that sea creature on your face.”
“Where are you going?”
“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna get us in.”
“Hello, Sir. My name is Ragu. I work at the Middle of Nowhere cafe. How can I help you?”
“I would like a table for two!”
“Very well. You and who else?”
“The fellow over there.”
“Oh dear. I’m afraid I’ll have to direct you to our rules.”
“Your rules? ‘No pets. No manners.’ What does that have to do with anything?”
“Do we have a problem? I could call security.”
“Security? It’s a restaurant!”
“Please come back later when you don’t have a starfish.”
“What’s wrong with starfish!? There’s nothing about it in your rules.”
“No pets, Sir.”
“It isn’t a pet, Ragu! The thing sucked on against our will!”
“Please just come back later.”
“Fine. So long Ragu. I will return. Stuart!”
“What is it, Master Ace?”
“We need to get that thing off your face!”
“Oh good! You finally understand.”
“Follow me Stuart.”
“Where are we going?”
“Across the street! Now hurry up.”
“What’s across the street?”
“The Middle of Nowhere junkyard.”
“Why are all these places titled ‘middle of nowhere’?”
“Not very creative is it?”
“Not really.”
“The city’s name is Middle of Nowhere City.”
“That’s lame, Master Ace.”
“I doesn’t matter. Stand over there.”
“Right here?”
“Perfect. Now don’t move.”
“Can I breathe?”
“What? Of course. Just don’t move.”
“Why are you climbing up there?”
“I’m going to operate this wrecking ball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Indeed. Ready?”
“Ready for what, Master Ace?”
“Haha, nothing. Don’t move.”
“Ahh! Master Ace, can I move?”
“Why would you want to?”
“A big black ball is heading right for my head!”
“And?”
“It’s gonna--”
“Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
“Oof! I’m really hurt bad!”
“Suck it up. Did we get the sea creature off your face?”
“I’d check, but I can’t seem to move my arm.”
“Nope. It’s still there. Blast! I have another idea.”
“What is it?”
“Do you see the saw over there?”
“No thanks Master Ace! I think I can get it off if I pull.”
“Wait what?”
“Yay! It came off.”
“You mean this entire time you never even tried just pulling on it?”
“No. I was trying to push.”
“You astound me, Stuart.”
“I’m sorry. I struggle with these things.”
“These things?”
“Push and Pull things. You know, doors, elevators, cats.”
“I agree with you on one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Stuart, you really do struggle.”
“Sorry.”
“Lets go back to the cafe.”
“After you, Master Ace.”
“Of course after me, now move it!”
“Yay! They let us in.”
“Of course they did. Now what would you like to eat?”
“I’ll have the banana split. That looks good!”
“Stuart. That’s a dessert!”
“I know that. It says it right here on the menu.”
“You’re supposed to have dinner before dessert.”
“Really? All these years and...”
“Waiter, I’ll have the steak. Medium rare.”
“I’ll have the chicken nuggets.”
“That doesn’t really count either.”
“Darn it! Okay then, I’ll have the roast starfish.”
“After all that? Whatever.”
“Gak! Master Ace!”
“Stuart, that is my word!”
“I’m terribly sorry. But this is an emergency!”
“What is it?”
“Master Ace! I was keeping that quest record you asked me to, right?”
“Okay. What’s the matter?”
“I made every adventure eight pages long.”
“So what? Consistency is great! I’m definitely for it.”
“I accidentally did ten pages for this adventure!”
