Friday, March 27, 2015

Flippy the Elf

Author's Note: You may be asking yourself, "Self, why is Jim Blow making up excuses about some elf? Why not just take responsibility like a man and say he forgot?"
Great Question!
You might also wonder why Jim doesn't like a Parfait. Because, according to a very particular annoying donkey, everyone likes parfait.
Dumb Question!
You must also be curious as to why this website is so empty.
Ridiculous Question! (If you would comment asking for other things, then you would get something besides Ace&Stuart.)
This week's post is about Flippy the Elf--and how he is SO not made up. Hope you enjoy.
(Please comment for my sanity, I'm starting to feel lonely here in my cardboard box with Flippy.)
--Jim Blow
Last week's post came a day late, so this is a day early.

Flippy the Elf
How he came to be Jim's Apprentice.
(Can I restart?)

Flippy the Elf: Rides Again.
(Can I restart one last time?)

Flippy the Elf Becomes An Apprentice--For like, a week--to someone incredibly handsome and cool.

Flippy The Elf sat in his small cage, slaving away. He was quite a useless creature, and nobody wanted to buy him because of his hideousness ears. They came up to points, but then sagged off to either side. His brother was to blame.

 Flippy's younger brother, Floppy, only had one arm. With his one arm he would hang on to his older brother's ear. This made Flippy's extraordinary ear sag. Well, now it just looked ridiculous! Like a rabbit. With one ear up and the other down, the Elf family was shamed.


Thus Flippy's father, Flappy, took off Floppy's arm, and attached it on the other side of his body. (This is not gruesome, for Floppy was actually part lego. It came from his mother's side. Who was his mother? Fluppy? Of course not! Her name was Ariah.)

Now that Floppy had an arm on his other side, he begun hanging on Flippy's other ear. Now both ears were equal. To stop any further injustice to his son's ears, Flappy took Floppy's arm off, and threw him in the discard pile. Thus Floppy became that annoying useless lego character with no arms, and the only thing he really can do, is be eaten by lego sharks. That's an enjoyable thing to see. So, Floppy became professional bait. (It's a real job. My neighbor took the job a few years ago, asked me to take his newspapers for him while he was gone. Though I'm starting to get worried because that was ten years ago. Don't suppose anything happened to him...)

This story isn't about the olympic gold medalist Floppy, this is about Flippy The stupid Elf. (The stupid isn't capitalized, and therefore isn't always part of his name.)

Well, Flippy wasn't always in that cage, slaving away, and being for sale. He once had a love. With his brother gone, Filppy grew up--well, everything but his ears, they stayed low.

Anyway, Flippy fell in love with a girl named Nab. He liked everything about her--except her name. When she refused to change it, Flippy left her. She called the police, saying awful things about Flippy. (Nab was a princess in her own mind, and no one was to treat her the way Flippy had.)
Thus the poor Flippy was thrown behind bars. He slaved away making "For Sale" signs, which were to be hung in front of his cage.

Then one day an author made the worst mistake of his life. He bought Flippy. (Yes, that was me.)
To test Flippy, the author made him organize the rooms and rooms full of old newspapers, which he'd been collecting for his friend. (The professional shark bait guy.)
Flippy passed. Not.

At this point it didn't matter. When the author tried to return Flippy, he was Payed to keep the Elf. It was a reasonable check. Well, until the Elf got a screwdriver. The thing reeked havoc in Jim's home.
With that, Jim sucked it up--bought new pillows and a new laptop--and posted Flippy on craigslist.

He's still there. Please take him.

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