Monday, February 23, 2015

Ace & Stuart: Adventure One: Quest to Goblin Valley

Challenge: Write a story with dialogue only.
Challenge Accepted

Adventure One By Jim Blow

“Master Ace!”
“What is it my young stooge?”
“Where are we going?”
“Goblin Valley, son. Now keep walking.”
“Sorry. Why are we going to Goblin Valley? I’ve been there many a time, and it’s--”
“Stuart! Don’t monologue. I’m in charge of this expedition, so I’m the only one that gets to ramble. Understand?”
“Beg your pardon. I just meant that I’ve seen Goblin Valley, there’s nothing left to explore!”
“Young Stuart, did you look over the map I sent you?”
“The one of a whale and scribbles?”
“Stooge, it wasn’t a whale, it was-”
“Now I remember!”
“Stuart, you are my servant. One I hire to carry my bags on this trip. You do not cut me off.”
“Sorry again. I just remembered where we were going.”
“And where is that?”
“Is this a test?”
“We’re finding a secondary hidden Goblin Valley.”
“Very good. ‘F’ work there my boy.”
“F!? I don’t get bad grades Master Ace. I’m an A+ student.”
“You know that A+ isn’t a real grade, right? It only goes to A.”
“Nevermind. I give you an A. Will you leave me alone now?”
“Don’t lie.”
“Okay, no.”
“Thank you sir!”
“Not you, Stuart! I meant that!”
“Oh, are we there?”
“Yes stuart. Now lay out the tools.”
“What tools?”
“The ones in the pack that I hired you to carry!”
“Stuart! Do as I say.”
“Master Ace, Sir. I think now might be a good time to tell you something.”
“Tell me what?”
“I left the bag in the tank.”
“What tank?”
“I meant the truck.”
“The words ‘truck’ and ‘tank’ aren’t very similar...”
“My bad.”
“Remind me never to hire you again.”
“I will Sir.”
“Stuart, what time is it?”
“5:73 Master Ace.”
“Stuart. Do you even know how to read time?”
“Ummm. No Sir.”
“That’s what I thought. Now, are you ready to descend into this second valley of the goblins?”
“Just one more thing, Master Ace.”
“What is it?”
“You said to call you Sir, or Master Ace.”
“Because that’s your name. But if you are my Master, and your name is Master...shouldn’t I call you Master Master Ace?”
“Remember what I said about talking forever?”
“Anyway, you think too hard, friend.”
“Ahem. I said…’send’. Yes.”
“That doesn’t make many sense.”
“You don’t make many sense. And the word is much, not many.”
“Nevermind. Lets just go. We’ll have to make our way by foot because of your blunder.”
“My bad.”
“Yes it is.”
“All right, now that we’re down in the valley, where are these rocks?”
“They call it Goblin Valley because the rocks look like goblins.”
“This is the hidden secondary valley. There are no rocks.”
“ rocks? I’m afraid I don’t--”
“In this valley there are real Zombies.”
“What? Zombies? It’s goblin valley though. Why are there zombies in Goblin Valley? On a second note, why didn’t we bring weapons?”
“They were in the pack.”
“You’re going to keep bringing that up, aren’t you.”
“Bringing what up?”
“The pack.”
“That time you brought it up.”
“No, you did.”
“No, you just barely said it when I asked what I was bringing up.”
“Bringing what up?”
“Now don’t start that again.”
“Master Ace!”
“What Stuart?”
“Behind you!”
“Gak! It’s a zombie!”
“Maybe it’s nice.”
“Well, you know, maybe it’s just lonely.”
“Then what do you propose we do?”
“Talk to them.”
“No thanks. I have a better idea.”
“What is it?”
“I’m going to shove you forward, and run.”
“Master Ace, that was a hard shove! Master Ace? Oh dear, you’ve left me! Uhhh, hello Mr. Zombie, Sir. My name is Stuart. I’m a Stooge. What’s this, cake! For me? Why thank you!”
“Where’d that other fellow go? We wanted to have the two of you over for cakes!”
“Master Ace? He ran away because he thought you were going to eat our brains.”
“That’s just a stereotype. Can you imagine eating a brain?”
“Well, no.”
“It’s just gross! Brains are all slimy, and disgusting.”
“I know. Still, I’m amazed you can talk.”
“So can you.”
“Hey! That’s true! Still, I thought zombies just moaned.”
“Nah, we evolved from that a few centuries ago.”
“Wow, and to think all this time we write books about you being sickly immoral creatures.”
“Actually we have a lot more manners that humans. Honestly, if anything, humans are the sick immoral creatures!”
“What did you evolve from? Humans?”
“Humans? No, no. That’s another lie.”
“Then where did you come from?”
“Embarrassingly enough, we evolved from green hotdogs.”
“Oh. You’re kinda funny Mr. Zombie.”
“We invented humor.”
“Wow. Humans got zombies all wrong.”
“Now you’re getting it.”
“Anyway, what flavor is this cake?”
“Really? It tastes quite good. How did you kill it?”
“We used human bait. Humans are quite gullible actually.”
“We are?”
“Yeah, it’s quite easy to trick humans into being bait so that we can trap dragons.”
“That hardly seems fair for the human.”
“Nah. Besides it’s great fun to have a dragon chase you.”
“What was that?”
“Strange. Anyway, would you like to be chased by a dragon? We need new bait.”
“Seriously? That’s kinda dumb.”
“No, no. Just come along. Trust me, dragons are misread too. The dragon just wants to play. You lure it out for a game of soccer, and we’ll kill it.”
“I’m not very good at soccer.”
“That’s unfortunate. Luckily you just need to pretend. We’ll kill it before you actually begin to play.”
“All right then. Zombie, Sir. That was a long hike up here.”
“Yes, it wasn’t so bad though.”
“I suppose.”
“I’m gonna go hide now. Call out to the dragon.”
“By the way, it says gullible on that rock.”
“Oh no! This is a trap! Zombie? Where’d you go? Master Ace is going to have a fit when he finds out I became Dragon Food.”
“Who goes there?”
“Stooge Stuart. Are you the dragon?”
“Yes, I am the dragon. Did you know that the way you just introduced yourself, was an alliteration? ‘Stooge Stuart’. I loved it.”
“You’re kind of small for a dragon.”
“I get bigger when you put water on me.”
“That’s cool.”
“Yeah. Tell me, if I come out of this cave, will I be killed?”
“Probably, Zombies want to make more cake.”
“You are one gullible human.”
“That cake stuff was a lie?”
“Why do I even bother. Ouch!”
“What’s the matter?”
“I’m being killed.”
“By whom?”
“I don’t know!”
“I’m coming in.”
“Don’t trouble yourself. I’m dead now.”
“Oh, I’ll just be off then. Wait a minute, is that you Master Ace?”
“Yes! I’m back! I just killed that lizard in there.”
“It was a dragon.”
“How terrifying.”
“Come along Stuart, we must be off.”
“Where to?”
“Who knows. Wherever I decide home is today.”
“Can we stop for fries?”
“Stuart, you don’t get to ask for things. You’re a stooge, remember?”
“I forgot.”
“Of course you did.”
“Master Ace?”
“There’s a zombie gnawing on your shoulder.”
“Master Ace, why do you keep saying that?”
“Gak? It’s just a noise that exits my mouth on strange occasions.”
“I think you’re making that up.”
“No really, let me show you. Zombie, stop biting me for a moment. Thank you. Now go bite my stooge for a moment.”
“Gak! Hey, you’re right Master Ace! That hurts.”
“I know what to do.”
“Should we throw rocks at its head?”
“No good, even if the head fell off it would still attack.”
“Ouch! Zombie, would you stop biting me! I’m calling a timeout while we make a strategy. Thanks.”
“Stuart, inventory list!”
“Right away! We have rocks, sand, more rocks, this glow in the dark raspberry flavored rubber duck, and a vacuum.”
“Wait, what?”
“I have big pockets.”
“No kidding. Okay, I have an idea.”
“Mr. Zombie! We’re calling untimes! Come bite me.”
“Vacuum time!”
“Woah, I can’t believe you just sucked up a zombie.”
“Never speak of this again, it ruins my self-image. I mean, I’m Master Ace. It would just be pathetic to say I used a vacuum cleaner to kill a zombie.”
“I think it sounds cool.”
“Hey! You’re right!”
“Stop agreeing with me.”
“Don’t tell me what to do stooge!”
“It’s just weird Sir. I prefer it when you’re yelling at me.”
“Okay, then fetch that glow in the dark duck thing, let me smell it, then get rid of it!”
“Orders. That’s better. I’ll give the duck to the zombie, he probably needs a friend in the vacuum.”
“What!? Another Zombie?”
“No. It’s a piano.”
“A piano?”
“Yeah, can I play it?”
“Sir, I’m sorry for playing the piano that opened up a trap door.”
“That’s okay, your fault.”
“Where are we?”
“Who knows.”
“I wish we could see.”
“And I wish that I had a better stooge.”
“I have an idea! Zombie, can I have that duck back?”
“Brilliant! Now we can see in the dark, thanks! I never thought that the dumb duck would be useful.”
“Yeah. I have an idea for escaping.”
“I just found a ladder in my pocket. I forgot it was there!”
“I don’t even know what to say.”
“Check this out! There are panda drawings on the ladder.”
“Stuart, you are the strangest person I know.”
“The zombie biting you was a little out there though...”
“I suppose.”
“Still, it wasn’t as crazy as that hitman, right?”
“What hitman?”
“Oops, that hasn’t happened yet.”
“Nevermind, lets climb out of here.”
“The fresh air is nice! Sorry I stepped on your face while climbing up the ladder.”
“That was incredible considering you were climbing beneath me.”
“Hey look! It’s that hitman. I knew he was going to show up. I wonder what took him so long.”
“What the heck is he wearing?”
“A koala suit?”
“I refuse to be in the same story with this thing until it changes clothes.”
“Is that better?”
“Yeah, I suppose camo is manlier than koalas.”
“Koalas are adorable though.”
“That’s true enough. Tell him to change back.”
“That koala bear is adorable! All the way from its fluffy face to the big gun.”
“Disgraceful, change back.”
“Sir, he has changed several times now. Can we stop?”
“Almost. Just one more thing.”
“Sir, I can’t believe you’re making me wear the koala suit.”
“It suits you.”
“It’s really hot.”
“Fine, don’t wear it then.”
“That’s better. Thanks Master Ace!”
“Now, lets continue.”
“Hitman! What should we do Master Ace?”
“Well, Stuart, I suggest we get the vacuum.”
“Unleash the zombie on the hitman!”
“Brilliant, Sir!”
“Of course I am! Ready? 1…2...3!”
“Yuck! It’s eating the man!”
“Look away.”
“Wow, I can’t believe that worked. It’s amazing the zombie was able to eat the man whole! It was more incredible to see you fit the zombie back in the vacuum.”
“I’m pretty incredible, aren’t I stooge?”
“One thing is wrong with what you said just now though.”
“What’s that?”
“The part about me fitting the zombie back in the vacuum.”
“What’s so wrong with that?”
“I didn’t put the zombie back in the vacuum!”
“Oh! I was wondering why the zombie was back gnawing on your shoulder.”
“Honestly! Again! Gak!”
“I have an idea.”
“What is it? And is it helpful?”
“Not really.”
“Nevermind. Throw rocks at its head.”
“Oops! The rock slipped, I swear!”
“Don’t throw the rock at me, throw the rock at the zombie!”
“I knocked the head off!”
“Good. You tackle the body, I’m going to destroy the head.”
“Master Ace! Before you kill it, ask it how to make those delicious cakes. As for you, silly body, I think you’re weird. I’m just going to talk to you while Master Ace is away. Do you like being a body? It certainly isn’t as glorious as being the head, right?”
“Stuart! Stop talking to the body, it’s dead now. As for the cake, you have me convinced.”
“I must have one of these cakes. You will embark on a journey with me to get the ingredients. I will have my cake.”
“What Stuart? I’m in a terrible rush.”
“I just wanted to tell you something.”
“What is it?”
“You told me to remind you never to hire me again.”
“That’s right!”
“Yupp, so I guess I’ll just be on my way.”
“Now hold on Stuart! I want you to come with me.”
“Never quote me on that.”
“Right Master Ace.”
“Stuart, before we go I want you to load your pockets with all the random things you can.”
“Of course Sir!”
“And Stuart,”

“Don’t forget the pack this time.”

No comments:

Post a Comment