Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Ace & Stuart: Adventure Three: Quest to Ingredient Two

Adventure Three by Jim Blow

“Master Ace, Sir, I was wondering what your plan is.”
“My plan?”
“Well we’re sitting here outside the International Space Station. I assume you’re formulating a plan.”
“You assume correctly.”
“Oh, goody!”
“Remember what I said about the second ingredient?”
“For the zombie’s cake?”
“That’s the one. Oh, and by the way Stuart, I want you to start keeping a record of all the events.”
“Starting with the adventure to Goblin Valley.”
“Geeze. That could take some time, Sir.”
“Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take to get up to that satellite?”
“Not really.”
“Me neither. Hopefully it doesn’t take very long.”
“I watched a couple movies on space.”
“Did you now?”
“Yupp. In the movies I watched they got to places really fast. The movie was only an hour!”
“Oh. Can you write out all our adventures in one hour?”
“Good work. We might start calling you Scribe Stooge Stuart.”
“That’s a long name. Like Master Master Ace.”
“Never call me that.”
“Sorry Sir.”
“Anyway, in reply to your question, yes. I have myself a plan.”
“Your plans are the best Master Ace.”
“I know.”
“Oh, you do? I thought that might come as a surprise.”
“Be quiet Stuart.”
“Right away Sir.”
“Now, I’m going to hop this fence, and the two of us are going to run across the field and jump in that rocket. It’ll be taking off soon, and the astronauts haven’t boarded yet.”
“We’re stealing the rocket?”
“Yes. Is that a problem?”
“I don’t think we should be doing it.”
“Nobody asked for your opinion.”
“Sorry. How are we going to get over the fence?”
“My dear stooge. This is me we’re talking about..”
“And so getting over the fence is going to be easy.”
“Using me.”
“Right. Now hand me a ladder.”
“Sorry Master Ace! I forgot the ladder.”
“What!? I pay you to be available on occasions like this!”
“I didn’t want to bring it up, but since you did, I think it’s fair to mention my pay.”
“What about it?”
“I don’t get paid.”
“What? Who’s to blame for this outrage? I’ll have words with them.”
“Oh thanks! Their name is Master Master Ace!”
“Yes. I shall go find this man, and I will--”
“Stuart, I am going to fire you one of these days.”
“Please don’t.”
“As for payment, I told you I would give you some of that cake when we have it.”
“Oh! I’m terribly sorry Master Ace. I’ll leave you alone now.”
“That might be for the best. As for getting over the ladder, what do you have?”
“Bungee cords, springs, bubble gum, and stilts.”
“Fine. Grab the stilts, and attach springs on the bottom using the bubble gum. Tell me when you’re done.”
“I’m done.”
“Already? Wow. Okay, hand me that pair there.”
“Here you go.”
“Thanks. Now, lets bounce!”
“Bouncing on these and balancing at the same time is really hard Master Ace!”
“Noted. Man up and bounce harder.”
“I don’t think bouncing harder is going to really fix the problem...”
“You don’t know anything.”
“Actually I know a number of things.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve been rambling again, haven’t I.”
“Yes. Now lets just get to the rocket. I’ll start up the rocket, you distract the astronauts, then meet me there.”
“Right. Bye Master Ace! Oh, here come the astronauts.”
“Hey you! I don’t think you’re supposed to be here, man.”
“Hello. Are you an astronaut? Awesome. I’m Stuart the Stooge.”
“Oh. Hello? By the way your introduction sounds rehearsed.”
“I know. Any ideas to spiff it up a bit?”
“I don’t know...maybe you could add a little bow?”
“That’s a good idea! Can we try again?”
“I don’t see why not. We’ll just step back here and walk up to you again.”
“You’d be willing to do that for me?”
“Of course, man. Ready?”
“Yupp. Go.”
“Hey you! I don’t think you’re supposed to be here.”
“Hello. Are you an astronaut? Awesome. I’m Stuart the Stooge. Now I’m going to bow. Ta Da!”
“Hmm. Ditch the bow, man. If you’re a stooge I don’t think you’d be bowing, more likely you would be hiding behind your Master.”
“Anyway, you really aren’t supposed to be here.”
“But Master Ace told me to stall!”
“Wait, what?”
“Nothing. I’m here because I’m looking for my beehive.”
“Yes...have you seen it anywhere?”
“Uh, no. But I guess if there are bees somewhere around here, we’d better go find it! Don’t want anybody getting stung.”
“Great. You guys search over there. I’m going to go search around the rocket.”
“Right, call to us if you see anything.”
“I will. Oh! And by the way I’m going to search inside the rocket too.”
“So long.”
“So long? On no! I’ve been tricked! Hey, come back!”
“Hey Master Ace! Here I am. Are we ready to launch?”
“Yes Stuart.”
“Oh, and Master Ace?”
“What is it?”
“Does my introduction sound rehearsed?”
“Ah. The ‘Stuart the Stooge’ thing getting old?”
“Yeah. Can I have a new introduction?”
“Have you tried bowing?”
“The astronauts said it was overdone.”
“I see. Did you consider hand shaking?”
“No. I’ll try it next time and tell you how it works out.”
“That’s good. Now start making that record of our adventures.”
“I will.”
“Aha! Rocket is launching.”
“Master Ace, before I became a Stooge, I always wanted to be a rocket scientist.”
“Nobody asked, Stuart.”
“It’s true. Forever I’ve wanted to roam the stars. Maybe I’d meet a nice alien and--”
“You’re monologuing. Stop that and help me fly this thing.”
“Right away, Sir.”
“That’s better. Now can you pull up a clock on how much time it’s going to take to get to the space station?”
“Right away. It looks like it’s going to be a very long time, Sir.”
“Great. The second ingredient might already be gone by then! What are we going to do?”
“I have an idea!”
“What? Stuart! I thought I told you to take all the people out of your pocket!”
“Sorry, Sir. I just always loved this narrator man. I kept him for just such an occasion as now.”
“Fine. But how is this narrator going to help?”
“Just watch. Narrator?”
“Yes Stuart?”
“Mr. Narrator, I want you to narrate something for us.”
“Of course. What is it?”
“I want you to say ‘and then they arrived at the space station’. Can you do that?”
“Of course.”
“Uhh. Can you do that, now?”
“Oh, now? I’m sorry Stuart. Here I go. And then they arrived at the space station. Like that?”
“Perfect! Thanks, narrator. But Master Ace says I can’t keep you in my pocket. So you can stay here on the ship. Bye!”
And then I said farewell to my friends, awaiting their return.”
“Aww, how sweet. We’re his friends. Master Ace! Don’t walk so fast.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, stooge!”
“Okay. Sorry. What is the second ingredient?”
“Master Ace, once again I must argue that we could’ve just picked up milk down on--”
“Don’t. I want special milk.”
“Special milk?”
“What is this special milk?”
“Milk from the Milky Way!”
“The milky way is our galaxy. You can’t actually get milk from it.”
“Once again, my brain bests yours. You should really stop trying so hard to think, Stuart.”
“Are you sure?”
“Milky Way is the name of a cow being kept on this satellite!”
“Oh indeed!”
“So you’re gonna milk a cow?”
“That’s where you’re wrong again!”
“Then how are we going to get the milk if you aren’t going to--”
“That’s right! You are going to milk the cow.”
“I don’t really want to.”
“Why? Is it just too udderly disgusting?”
“Master Ace, that was an awful joke.”
“I couldn’t help myself.”
Egg-zactly the point!”
“It’s a cow, not a chicken.”
“I know. I just thought my joke might--”
“Anyway, I’m not going to milk the cow.”
“You’re my stooge. I order you to go milk that cow.”
“Fine. At least come stand with me.”
“No thanks. I’ll stand right outside.”
“Oh dear me. I’m going in.”
“See you in a second. Here’s a jar to put the milk in. When you have the milk, put it in your pocket.”
“I’ll do that.”
“Stuart better hurry.”
“Master Ace! Gak! This is awful!”
“Stooge! Keep it to yourself!”
“Nevermind, I’m done. Lets get out of here! And far away from Milky Way!”
“Stuart, you’re just being a poor sport.”
“At least I’m handling this better than you handled those Space Rangers, right?”
“Oh dear. You’ve completely lost it! Has the cow milk gotten to your head lad? The Space Rangers on this satellite are locked upstairs watching cat videos!”
“Gak! Don’t tell me. It hasn’t happened yet.”
“Sorry, Sir!”
“Nevermind. There the Space Rangers are! Run, Stuart!”
“One second.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going to practice introducing myself to them!”
“Nevermind. Meet me back at the ship!”
“Hello Space Rangers! My name is--”
“Gak! Help Master Ace! The Rangers are shooting at me!”
“Stuart! Jump in the rocket!”
“I’m jumping!”
“Great! Now, Stuart’s narrator, quick narrate us out of this mess!”
“Master Ace, you handled that better than I predicted!”
“Thank you Stuart. For now, we’re safe.”
“Yes we are. Narrator got us far away from those Space Rangers. And I have milk!”
“And the flour, yes?”
“Of course.”
“Master Ace?”
“No Stuart, I have a question first.”
“How in the world  do you keep predicting the future?”
“With my Magical Clay Frog, Sir.”
“You what?”
“My Magical Clay Frog. It’s clay molded to look like a frog. And it’s magical.”
“Astounding. Where is this frog?”
“No, Master Ace. It’s a ‘Frog’. Not a ‘frog’.”
“It’s powerful. It deserves a capital letter. Just like you get to be Master Ace instead of master ace.”
“I see...”
“Anyway, carry on.”
“Where’s this Frog then?”
“Oh I don’t have it, Sir.”
“Then how do you keep predicting the future?”
“I lost it a long time ago in a kingdom.”
“Go on.”
“But then I’d be rambling!”
“I’ll allow it this once.”
“Thanks Master Ace! As I was saying, I lost it in a kingdom. I used to be a Squire for the a king or someone rather.”
“Someone rather?”
“You see, I couldn’t quite pronounce his name. That’s why I got kicked out.”
“Kicked out?”
“Yeah, how did you know that? I haven’t gotten to that part in the story!”
“Huh? Nevermind Stuart, continue.”
“Well, I mispronounced his name, and you guessed it, he kicked me out. At the kingdom I had only a single possession.”
“The Frog.”
“Precisely. So I packed my thing to go and the king took it away from me! The nerve!”
“Truly. Continue.”
“So I had to leave it with that filthy, no good, nameless king!”
“Have I ever heard of this king?”
“Probably not.”
“Then nobody will know--or care--when we we rob him!”
“We’re stealing back the Frog?”
“Yes. After we get the last ingredient to this cake stuff.”
“Thank you Master Ace!”
“One last thing, Stuart.”
“What is it?”
“You failed to mention how you can still predict the future.”
“Oh that? A long time ago the Frog gave me a script of my entire life. I just remember bits and pieces. The king burned that when he kicked me out, so I don’t still have it.”
“I see.”
“That’s great. I truly am thankful. And by the way, Master Ace, we’ve arrived back on Earth!”
“Gak! Stuart, look out the window. We’re surrounded by police and angry astronauts.”
“Gak! What are we going to--”
“Pause. From now on only I can say ‘Gak!’ It’s my word. Understand?”
“Sorry, Sir.”
“Good. Unpause.”
“I recommend we fight our way out.”
“Or we could use this zip line.”
“Lets go then!”
“What about the narrator?”
“What about him?”
“Are we just going to leave him here?”
“Oh. Okay then, I just thought I’d ask.”
“Good, now go before I push you.”
“Wheeee! This is loads of fun, Master Ace!”
“Just keep zip lining. I’m right behind you.”
“We’re coming down now.”
“Whew! That was loads of fun. Wouldn’t you agree, Stuart?”
“Master Ace! Help me!”
“What have you done?”
“I’m being kidnapped by monkeys.”
“What the heck? Suddenly we’re in a forest. This is bizarre.”
“This is where the zipline ended!”
“That’s one long zipline.”
“Uh-huh. On a more pressing matter, can you come rescue me? I don’t fancy being up here with the monkeys!”
“What do you mean more pressing? The long zipline is way more important than you!”
“Say what?”
“Don’t worry Stuart. You’re my second priority. After I pull down the zipline, I’ll come up there and get you.”
“Do hurry! These monkeys are frightening!”
“Relax Stuart. And besides, those aren’t monkeys.”
“They aren’t?”
“Nope. They’re apes!”
“Are you certain? Because I thought--”
“Check something for me. Do they have tails?”
“Then they are apes. If it doesn’t have a tail it’s not a monkey--”
“If it doesn’t have a tail it’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!”
“Don’t cut me off Stuart!”
“Sorry, I just like that song.”
“Well, your liking that song may have just lost you my rescue!”
“Please come for me!”
“Fine. But next time I sing a song from Veggietales, don’t sing along!”
“I’ll try.”
“Okay. I’m coming up.”
“Thank you, Sir!”
“Shoo, apes! Shoo!”
“Oh why didn’t I think of that?”
“Because you’re a stooge.”
“Fair point.”
“Now lets go.”
“I’m right behind you!”
“Ready to hunt down another ingredient to cake?”
“Really? You’ve never been anxious to come along on an adventure.”
“I know, but this time I am.”
“Each ingredient adventure we have brings me a step closer to retrieving my Frog.”
“Oh, right.”
“I do appreciate it.”
“So you keep mentioning.”
“Do you want to know something?”
“I think we’re getting the hang of this adventure stuff.”
“Well I am. I don’t think you do yet.”
“Really? I guess I’ll just have to work harder at it.”
“I guess. Now, how about that record. Is it coming along?”
“I just finished writing the first quest!”
“Let me see it.”
“Okay, here you go.”
“Oh dear, what’s the matter?”
“You wrote the adventure out in dialogue only!?”

Author's Note: The Adventures of Ace & Stuart series will no longer be coming out so often. Instead they will be released on a new--unestablished--regular basis. I apologize for any inconvenience this causes your life. Despite what other authors might say and do, I actually have a life for a few more years. This may leave a humor hole in your self, but I can live with that. After all, I get to see the Adventures before you do.
The only way you will get to see the adventures before they are released is if you are dead, me, my immediate family, or the stuffed bear I talk to because I don't actually have any friends.
Thanks for understanding--or you haters for not.
--Jim Blow

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