Monday, February 23, 2015

Ace & Stuart: Adventure Two: Quest to Ingredient One

Adventure Two By Jim Blow

“Master Ace,”
“What is it now Suart?”
“I just made a shocking discovery!”
“Oh really?”
“Quite so.”
“As shocking as your idea a few moments ago?”
“Which one was that?”
“You exclaimed that you were positive we were being followed by bandits.”
“What was so wrong with that?”
“There’s nobody around us for miles. We’re stuck in the desert trying to find that blasted pyramid.”
“Why must we be out here Master Ace? My feet are on fire!”
“Stuart! Are you insane? Did you honestly just light your own feet on fire?”
“It wasn’t me!”
“You’re holding a flaming match and some gas!”
“Oh. Golly Master Ace, I didn’t mean it.”
“Oh nevermind. Just don’t complain to me when you walk on those poor burned feet of yours.”
“Master Ace?”
“My feet hurt.”
“Stooge, do you have any duct tape in those pockets of yours?”
“Fresh out. Why?”
“Nevermind then. What was your shocking discovery?”
“Walls have ears.”
“No, no. You’re thinking of humans.”
“Really? Because I was quite sure--”
“Don’t ramble Stuart.”
“Sorry. Are we almost there?”
“Yes, we’re there!”
“That’s a big pyramid!”
“Do we have to go inside?”
“I don’t have to. I choose to though.”
“I choose not to.”
“You don’t have a choice. I’m forcing you to go in.”
“Are you allowed to do that?”
“Yes. I’m your Master.”
“That’s right. I was wondering why I would follow you through all this heat. Good thing there was a good reason.”
“I always have good reasons.”
“Still, why do you want to go in a frightening pyramid?”
“This is where the first ingredient for that cake is!”
“What’s the first ingredient?”
“We came all the way out here for flour! You know that we could’ve just gone to a grocery store! Any grocery store!”
“Really? Nevermind. I’ve read that there’s flour at the top of this pyramid. Since we’re here we might as well get it.”
“Or we could go to that grocery store across the street! How wonderfully placed!”
“Stuart. Stop talking. I’m the Master, and I say we are going in this pyramid. It’ll be an adventure.”
“Good thing the door is open, we can just walk right in!”
“Yeah. Lucky us.”
“Stuart, hurry along, I haven’t got all day!”
“Sorry Master Ace.”
“Look at the designs on the walls! This truly is amazing.”
“Hey! This drawing looks like a banana. How cool. I didn’t know they had bananas in ancient Egypt. I suppose you learn something new every day. Isn’t that right Master Ace!
“Master Ace? Where’d you get off to? Master Ace?”
“Your friend has left you to die!”
“I don’t particularly want to die. Who are you?”
“I’m Mummy.”
“Bet you’re terrified. You’ve probably never seen the unnatural!”
“Actually I fought a zombie and a dragon last week.”
“Impressive. You really get around.”
“So you’re not going to kill me?”
“No, I am. I’ll take you to my family. We’re going to do the same thing to you that was done to us.”
“What’s that? Oh! Are you going to wrap me in toilet paper? Somebody did that to me at a party once.”
“What? No. I meant we’re going to rip out your organs, and suck your brain out through a straw.”
“What’s with all you creatures and brains?”
“I don’t know. At least we don’t eat them, right?”
“That’s a good point.”
“Anyway, come with me. It doesn’t hurt so bad.”
“No thanks. In fact, in our modern day people don’t really do that anymore.”
“They don’t?”
“Nah. It’s a practice long gone. Since it’s inhuman and stuff.”
“How dreadful.”
“Yeah, well, in that case I’ll just be catching up to Master Ace. Any idea where he went off to?”
“He went up to the next floor. I’ll help you find him.”
“Anyway, what’s your name?”
“I’m Stooge Stuart.”
“That’s cool. I’m a pharaoh.”
“Neat! Do you have a staff?”
“No, some weird people came through the pyramid a long time ago and took everything for some sort of ‘museum’ thing.”
“Yeah, they took my grandpa too.”
“Really? Dreadful. I’ll talk to Master Ace and see if we can give him back to you.”
“I’d appreciate it. Anyway, there’s your friend down the hall.”
“Don’t mention it. Anyway, I’d best go tell my family that we can’t sacrifice people anymore.”
“So long Stuart of Stooge.”
“Bye, Mummy. Hey! Master Ace!”
“There you are Stuart! What took you so long?”
“Sorry Master Ace. I was just revolutionizing the mummies.”
“You’re pathetic. Anyway, I’ve found the flour. We’ll have it just as soon as I open this door.”
“How do you open the door?”
“I’m not sure. The hieroglyphs here say something about a spoon and an egg being thrown at it. It doesn’t make much sense.”
“Here you go Master Ace.”
“An egg and a spoon? Thanks Stuart...”
“No problem.”
“How did the egg not break in your pocket?”
“I packed it in styrofoam.”
“Throw the things.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
“I want you to throw them.”
“Thanks for the honor Master Ace!”
“That was a poor throw.”
“The door opened though!”
“Look Master Ace! It’s the flour.”
“Go get it.”
“Why me?”
“There might be traps. If any arrows fly across the room, I’d like to have them kill you rather than me.”
“See. I told you that you always had good reasons for everything.”
“Yes, yes. Now go fetch the flour.”
“Right away.”
“Stuart! Jump over the axe! Your other left! Don’t step on that! Stuart!”
“I’m okay Master Ace! I just--”
“No, no. You aren’t supposed to touch all the discolored stones! Now look at you.”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s a pile of angry poisonous insects on your legs!”
“Oh, that?”
“Yes, that!”
“Nevermind them, I’ll just use a hose to wash them off.”
“There’s one in my pocket.”
“Why did I ever doubt you.”
“I don’t know, Sir.”
“Nevermind, you have the flour now, just come back.”
“Master Ace, can I touch one more colored stone?”
“Why on earth would you do that?”
“It’s chartreuse!”
“That’s not a thing!”
“Yes it is. It’s a color.”
“Really? Well I suppose you can if you must.”
“I must.”
“Stuart, you are a fool.”
“Ouch! I’m sorry, Master. I didn’t know it was going to unleash a snapping turtle!”
“Come here, I’ll pull it off.”
“Gak! You’re pulling hard.”
“Nevermind, I got it off. Hand me the flour, hose yourself down, and meet me outside.”
“Where’s that hose? I know I put it in my pocket.”
“Hello again, Stuart of Stooge!”
“Oh, hello Mummy.”
“Washing your pants?”
“Yeah, I got some bugs on them.”
“Why must you Egyptians always booby trap everything?”
“It’s actually loads of fun.”
“Yes, I suppose. Anyway, can you lead me outside? Master Ace left me again.”
“Thanks. By the way, how did your family take the news?”
“They were as surprised as I am. But we’ll get over it.”
“That’s swell!”
“Yes. As for you Stuart the Stooge, here’s the exit. It’s been wonderful talking with someone who actually has a brain.”
“It’s been great to talk with someone who doesn’t.”
“So long!”
“Stuart, boy. Put your hands in the air.”
“Why Master Ace?”
“Remember those bandits you mentioned.”
“Yeah. I have to apologize though. They weren’t actually there yet. It hasn’t happened yet.”
“What? Nevermind. They are here now. We’re surrounded.”
“Oh dear. What do they want?”
“Roast Squirrel and jam.”
“Strange, huh? But yes. I told them we don’t have any, but they won’t leave us alone.”
“What do you mean we don’t have any? I have some right here!”
“Give it to them.”
“Okay. I’m happy to share.”
“Thanks Stuart. Now we can leave here. We must go get the second ingredient.”
“Wonderful! Would you like me to carry the flour in my pocket?”
“Would you mind.”
“Not at all.”
“Good because if you did, I wouldn’t care.”
“Where’s the next ingredient?”
“In a satellite!”
“What, is space too far away for your little self?”
“No. It’s just that the bandits have left.”
“But we’re still surrounded.”
“Mummies!? Why in the world?”
“I know Sir. Apparently they want to take out our organs. They aren’t very happy with what I said.”
“You angered a mummy family?”
“Not on purpose!”
“I’ll deal with you later. In the meantime, we need to figure a way out of this mess.”
“How do you propose we do that, Sir?”
“Well, Stuart, you’re the one with the pockets.”
“I’ll start to look through them then, shall I?”
“Hurry it along though, I’m not sure how long it’s going to take for them to start cutting.”
“For the brain they just use a straw, actually.”
“That’s gross.”
“Don’t be judgemental! It’s their way of life.”
“You mean death.”
“Oh, yeah!”
“DId you find anything?”
“I have marbles!”
“How is that going to help?”
“It probably isn’t. But if we survive we can play with them.”
“Sounds childish.”
“Please! I’ll let you win.”
“Okay then. If we survive this, I’ll beat you in a round of marbles.”
“Oh goody! Thank you Master Ace!”
“But only if we get out of this.”
“I just found something that might get us out of this.”
“What is it?”
“A shoe salesman!”
“You had an entire man in your pocket!?”
“And his briefcase full of shoes.”
“I fail to understand how this is going to help.”
“Do you see how the mummies’ feet are bare?”
“Of course I see that! I’m not blind. I just...oh.”
“You caught on!”
“Nevermind your idea--seeing as it was probably stupid--I just had a better idea. My ideas are always the best.”
“We’ll give the mummies shoes if they let us go.”
“Actually, Sir, that was my--”
“Be quiet Stuart, I’m watching my plan in the work.”
“Can I watch too?”
“Yay! Thanks Master Ace.”
“Wow! That transaction went really fast! I didn’t even see it. It must have happened while I was talking to you.”
“Businessmen are really fast in their dealings. And they don’t take ‘no’ for an answer.”
“Okay, I’m going to tell the business guy to come back to my pocket.”
“Don’t do that! Just leave the man alone. Nobody should have to stay in your pockets. Let the businessman be.”
“But Master Ace, if he’s out here then the other people in my pocket will get worried that he hasn’t returned!”
“Other people!?”
“Sure! There’s the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker--”
“You’re insane!”
“Yeah, I don’t even know why I grabbed a candlestick maker. That’s just stupid. Who needs candles.”
“And who makes them!? Anyway, I want you to release all the people.”
“Do I have to?”
“Oh fine.”
“Stuart, you amaze me.”
“Thanks, Sir.”
“In a bad way.”
“Sorry, Sir.”
“Grab the marbles.”
“Right away Master Ace!”
“Stuart, put the marbles away.”
“We’ll play later!”
“Why not now?”
“Because right now we have a bigger problem!”
“What is it?”
“There’s a huge sandstorm heading our way!”
“Should I pull out my anchor?”
“No. We should run.”
“Hey! That’s a pretty good idea.”
“Are you kidding me? Of course it’s a great idea, I came up with it. Now move!”
“Sorry. I was never very good at running in P.E. class.”
“You don’t seem to be good at much of anything.”
“No. Am I doing well running now though?”
“Well, you’re keeping up with me.”
“That’s true!”
“But we aren’t moving faster than the sandstorm!”
“Really? He must be really fast in his P.E. class!”
“Stuart, that was a stupid comment.”
“Really? Oh! Is the sandstorm not alive, just like the wall?”
“Wow, two things in my life are found to be lies in the same day.”
“I can’t believe you grew up thinking walls had ears.”
“That’s not true! I just got walls and people mixed up for a second!”
“That’s horrible!”
“What now?”
“Master Ace, you’re flying!”
“Oh no! We’ve been swept up by the sandstorm!”
“Are you thinking happy thoughts?”
“I’m most certainly not happy right now!”
“Then how are you flying?”
“We’re in a tornado-like catastrophe, you idiot!”
“It’s no excuse to be rude.”
“It’s EVERY excuse to be rude!”
“Can I be rude back?”
“Why not, we’re in a catastrophe.”
“Because you’re a stooge!”
“Sorry Master Ace. I forgot again.”
“Nevermind all that. Just think of a way out of this.”
“I have a rope!”
“Great! Hand it here.”
“Where’s that anchor you were talking about?”
“Right here.”
“It’s made of noodles?”
“Yupp. I made it in first grade. It was A+ work.”
“Gak! There is no such thing as an A+!”
“Okay Stuart. I’m going to lasso that tree. Grab onto me.”
“You’re kinda sweaty, Sir.”
“Stuart, I’m going to fire you when we get out of this.”
“Will you be firing me before or after we play marbles?”
“Keep pulling Master Ace! You’ve almost got us out of this sandstorm!”
“Great. Now help me pull.”
“Yay! We did it. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think we were going to make it out of there.”
“You doubted me?”
“Yeah! I mean no.”
“Are you going to fire me now?”
“Later, I’m too tired now.”
“Would you like a pillow?”
“That would be nice.”
“And lemonade?”
“I want that stuff too.”
“You mean you don’t have any of it?”
“Nope. I was just asking if you wanted it as badly as I do.”
“Gak! You’re driving me mad Stuart. Mad I say!”
“I’m sorry, Sir. I just have one more question.”
“There’s always ‘one more’ with you, isn’t there?”
“Just this one more time.”
“You mean ‘one last’ time?”
“What is it?”

“Can we play marbles now?”

No comments:

Post a Comment